Memoires of a Jedi's Heart
by Scarlett Spike
Summary: During his exile, ObiWan remembers Padmé as he realizes he is in love with her.
1. Prologue

Memoires of a Jedi's Heart.  
By Darth Jenny

Prologue

Dawn was engulfing the dark night as Obi-Wan Kenobi stirred in his couch, the same routine he had been leading for the past nine months. Flashes of images – terrible images – bombarded his head every time he tried to rest. Sleep was elusive, almost a luxury he could not afford. As well as peace, for his thoughts wouldn't let him have it. More than his thoughts, it was his deep pain who wouldn't bring him peace. _What an irony of the Force_, he thought, for he had been a Guardian of Peace and Justice for the best part of twenty-six years. A Jedi. A great Jedi, and yet he could not reach peace at night.

For decades, he and his colleagues of the Jedi Order had been respected galaxy-wide, called upon when understanding and diplomacy required it. And now he was a refugee, an outcast, an Enemy of the Empire. An Empire that wiped out all he ever loved – his beloved Republic, his friends, his freedom. But most importantly, the two beings he had loved more than anything in the galaxy: Anakin, his best friend, his son, his brother. Oh, he had loved Anakin! And at some point, he still did... But how could he still love him if Anakin, in his lust for power, in his fall from grace, brought down along with him the woman Obi-Wan had loved so deeply and so purely, that he had remained silent, hoping that his Padawan – because in his heart, no matter what, Anakin was still his Padawan – would make Padmé happy. Because he knew, he had always known those two were together...

Obi-Wan rolled to one side and stared at the chest lying next to his couch. He kept many valious memories there: Anakin´s and Qui-Gon's lightsabers, the warming crystal Siri had given him before her last breath on Azure spaceport. That had been the second time he had had a broken heart. First one had been at 18 years of age, when he and Siri had hoped the Jedi Council would change the Code, just for the sake of their love. How naive they had been! No matter how painful that heartbreak had been, he still found a way to survive it. Siri had been his first love, but not his last one.

The Jedi Master slowly rose from his humble bed and knelt before the box, staring at it with a mix of fear and sadness. He haven't opened it since his arrival on Tatooine. It brought too much pain just to think about its contents, but he couldn't help himself. He started opening it very, very slowly, as if waiting for something evil to creep out of the chest. When he caught sight of Qui-Gon's lightsaber, he shut his eyes in pain, mental pain. How he missed his Master! The rebel Jedi had been the father he never knew, always having a word of advice, of wisdom. He retrieved the laser sword and smiled in his mind, for he could not smile physically any longer. Although his Master talked to him through the Force every now and then, he needed to see that sympathetic look Qui-Gon always had when Kenobi had been unsure of himself. Gently, he posed the weapon back in the box, and while making some space to make it fit, a certain object caught his atention and returned the somber look to his face.

It was just a holopaper, nothing more than that, but what it had imprinted on it was Obi-Wan's most valued and painful possession. Padmé's obituary from the HoloNet. He grazed the tip of his fingers along the picture of the former Queen and Senator from Naboo. How beautiful she looked there! Well, she had _always _been beautiful, but this image of her was a view that had always wandered around his mind: the celebration on Naboo after the defeat of the Trade Federation army. She was wearing a pink-orange feathery dress - so simple next to her regular atire as Queen – and yet so exalting. He was still young, _she _was so young, and he had felt swept away at her presence. He hadn't realized by that time that he had fallen in love with the young Queen. Only after her death did he discovered that feeling inside his heart...


	2. Chapter I

Chapter I 

Obi-Wan wandered through the desert, heading for Mos Espa in search of – or rather following – the Lars family. This task given by Yoda was proving to be a test for Kenobi, since the sole sight of Luke brought him tender and sad reminders of the baby's mother. Not in a physical way, since Luke was the lively image of his father when being a little boy, but rather the strength the infant irradiated.

He made sure Owen hadn't spotted him by entering a humble cantina. Customers turned to look at him with suspicious looks, because many people thought Ben Kenobi, as he was known here, was a crazy hermit. An incident seven months ago set him in a fearful shock in front of everybody inside this sandhole. He had been keeping an eye on the Lars, like he was now, when a news flash from the HoloNet had revealed a black suited figure called Darth Vader. Anakin had survived somehow. _He's not Anakin anymore_, he corrected himself everyday.

He eased himself at a table in the far corner of the cantina. Only a being imbued with the Force could keep vigilance at the sandy street from this far. The Rodian bartender, Girzel, approached him with a glass and a jar of water. The alien poured some liquid in the glass, then posed it onto the table rather forcefully, and while turning to return to the counter, Obi-Wan grasped Girzel's arm. "Leave the jar", the Jedi asked, while handing him some credits. The bartender nodded and placed the jar on the table, again, somewhat forcefully.

Obi-Wan cupped the cool glass in his hands, staring absently into it, as memories and images begun crowding his mind...

"_Let her go, Anakin! Let her go!"  
"You will not take her from me!"_  
"_No, Anakin, I'm sorry! I'm sorry... I love you..."_

The image of Padmé gasping for breath, and then slumping on the floor, made his heart cry out in pain. _How could anyone treat such a frail creature in such an evil way?_ Moreover_, how could _he_ treat her that way?_ Obi-Wan closed his eyes, fighting back tears that were threatening to fall free. Taking a deep breath and reaching out with the Force, he managed to remain impassive, at least, in the eyes of the curious onlookers that were eyeing him warily.

He sipped some water, his sight unfocussed at some distant blind spot. He couldn't help feeling guilty for Padmé's ultimate fate. He had sneaked inside her skiff, with the sole idea of stopping Anakin and he didn't stop to consider in what a danger would he be putting her! Of course, he would have never imagined – ever - Anakin would be capable of hurting the woman he bragged himself of loving so much, at the extent of killing his friends and... and even younglings, as an excuse to gain powers to supposedly save her. How an ironic –a sad tragic ironic – twist of fate, how Anakin somehow caused what he feared most: Padmé's death.

Still absorbed in his thoughts, he glanced towards the street, where Berú was holding Luke in her arms, both smiling and giggling. _Oh, Padmé, my love, _he thought, _if only you could see him now! _He was unconciously letting a smile surface, but he held back, a thought, a forbidden thought, slowly creeping his mind. What it would have been to feel her love, to lose himself in those sparkling brown eyes? What it would have been to be the father of those twins?

While lost in his train of thoughts, Obi-Wan didn't realize the jar was now empty. He motioned to the counter and the Rodian caught sight of him. The Jedi nodded, letting the bartender know he wanted another jar. After some moments, Girzel slid the new jar across the table. And when Obi-Wan was handing him the credits, the alien gently pushed the currency away, back to their owner. "This one's on the house", the Rodian insisted, sensing Obi-Wan's grief. Kenobi nodded in gratitude and an instant later he was left alone again with his thoughts.


	3. Chapter II

Chapter II 

After thirty minutes of careful watch, Obi-Wan noticed the Lars bunch were going away from the fruit stand, most likely heading back to their homestead. It was typical for Berú to spend such a long time picking fuits and vegetables. She was a magnificent wife, always trying to get the best for her family. _Yes_, Kenobi thought, _Luke could not have a better tutor. _He didn't like that word, but he couldn't refer to Berú as Luke's mother, for Obi-Wan, Padmé would always be the twin's mother – their beautiful mother.

While trudging the sandy streets of Mos Espa, his thoughts went to Leia now, who was growing up in Alderaan as a princess under the tender love of Bail Organa and Queen Breha, his wife. He couldn't help wondering what she would look like. He had a strong sense Leia would be the lively image of her mother – brave and strong, a natural leader with a true sense of commitment. And surely as beautiful as Padmé had been.

Obi-Wan remembered the first time he had noticed Padmé. It had been in the Gungan's sacred hideout, when a concerned Queen Amidala – who was in fact decoy handmaiden Sabé - was trying to forge an aliance with the indigenous locals and was failing at it. Padmé had stepped forward and confessed to Boss Nas, the Gungan leader, that _she_ was Queen Amidala and knelt to beg for their help. Obi-Wan had felt a shock at this discovery, a nice shock for sure, at how Padmé had managed the situation so cooly, and young Kenobi couldn't help but smile at such a display of diplomacy from someone so young and yet so wise.

Tatooine's twin suns were slowly gaving way to dusk as Obi-Wan walked slowly towards his hut. A frown displaying on his worn face as he noticed, as usual, that sand had rolled into his place. He didn't mind sweeping, for it gave him something to occupy his time in this forced exile, but sometimes, these chores were the ones that played against him...

Obi-Wan's mind flew four years in the past, when he had seen Padmé again, ten years after the Battle of Naboo. Amidala was now a Senator and had been the target of several attempts on her life. He and Anakin had been summoned to protect her, and Kenobi had felt his heart fill at the sight of the beautiful young woman she had become. He still now wondered how he had managed to keep his composure at such a view. Padmé's face was radiant, full of life and determination. Her braveness emanated from her pores and he had felt intoxicated by her mere presence. And not only he had felt that way...

He finished putting some order in his hovel and then collapsed on the couch, staring blankly at the roof before shielding his eyes with his arm. How could he have been so blind at that time? He should have realized that being so compilant with Anakin would surely lead to misfortune. He never had imagined things would end up _this _bad. He deeply sighed, going over what should have he done differently, what attitude take in order to stop Anakin from doing what he did – letting attachment rule him. Should he had talked to the Jedi Council about this? No, he realized, he wouldn't have dared. Anakin had been a weakness for him and Obi-Wan knew that he would have never dare do anything to discredit his Padawan.

"I should have saved her, somehow", he sighed aloud.

"_Don't torture youself, Obi-Wan"_, agentle voice replied.

"Stars and galaxies, Qui-Gon!", Obi-Wan replied, suddenly sitting up. "You do know how to startle me when I least expect it!", a not-so-convincing frown on his face.

"_Well, if my visit is not welcomed, then I shall leave..." _Replied an amused Qui-Gon.

"Of course it is welcomed, Master! It's just that..." He trailed off.

"_You were thinking about Padme." _Qui-Gon finished sympathetically.

"Yes," Obi-Wan stated rather somberly. "I can't stop thinking of her, of what I... that I," he stammered, rather guiltily. He fell silent for several seconds, gaining the courage to say it. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. "I love her," he concluded, opening his eyes again and letting a tear roll off his cheek.

Chapter III

"Master, are you still there?" Obi-Wan asked after several moments of silence.

"_Yes, my Padawan, I'm still here." _Qui-Gon fell silent a few more seconds before adding, _"How long have you been feeling like this? I'd like to know it all."_

"Qui-Gon, I do not think it would be appropiate, I'm a Jedi and I feel ashamed of having broken the Cod – " Kenobi replied before being interrupted by his Master.

"_The Code? What Code?"_

"Master! What do you mean 'what Code'. The Jedi Code!" Added Obi-Wan a little shocked.

"_I know what Code. What I mean, Obi-Wan, is that there's no Code anymore, since there is no Jedi Order anymore."_ Qui-Gon added with a sad tone.

"Oh. Yes, you are right." Obi-Wan lowered his head in contemplation. "Nevertheless, I feel as if I had broken it."

"_You say it because you love her?"_

"Yes, because attachment is – was – forbidden – " The younger Jedi continued.

Qui-Gon cut him off again._ "But you didn't know your feelings by that time, and if you did know, you didn't let yourself get attached. Love doesn't equal attachment, and you should know it by now"._

"I know, but yet..." Obi-Wan closed his eyes and sighed.

"_I know how you feel, remember I've been through the same. And like you, my beloved one died in front of me." _Obi-Wan was sure that if his Master were visible to his eyes, he would most likely be staring at a blind spot in sadness.

Qui-Gon remained silent serveral seconds and Obi-Wan didn't dare to utter a word, for he was sure his Master was silently grieving Tahl. He remember how helpless had he felt at that time, because he hadn't known Qui-Gon and Tahl were in love. And now more than ever, he understood his Master's pain. But Obi-Wan had experienced that pain twice: first with Siri and then with Padmé, and both deaths had been less than a year appart.

"_I'm sure somehow you suspected it." _Qui-Gon broke the silence, almost startling Obi-Wan.

"Yes," Obi-Wan admitted. "I guess it was by the time I saw her again, right before the Clone Wars begun. I used to think it just had been nostalgia. Or when we were about to be executed in Geonosis, I thought it just had been my Jedi compassion. But then, I noticed there was something different in her, in the way she looked, in the way she carried herself. Especially, when Anakin was around..." Obi-Wan sighed, as in pain, "And I _knew _something was going on. I sensed it, though both Padmé and Anakin tried as much to hide it. And I made myself blind to it."

"_Oh, I see. Did that suspicion bother you?" _Qui-Gon asked retorically, for he already knew the answer.

"Yes and no. Yes, because Anakin was breaking the Code and was risking his career as a Jedi. No, because they seemed happy. And if they were happy, I was as well happy."

"_And there, my Padawan, is the proof that you didn't break any rule..." _Qui-Gon replied in that wisely tone Obi-Wan had always found comforting.

Obi-Wan paced around considering his feelings. "I didn't know they had married. And I didn't know she was pregnant untill the very last. Anakin and I had been on mission after mission and I hadn't seen Padmé since the Azure mission – " Obi-Wan passed his hand on his brow before continuing, "that very same mission when Siri died."

"_What did you feel when your assumptions about their marriage were more intense?" _Qui-Gon didn't need answers, for he knew it all. He wanted Obi-Wan to open his heart and become aware of his feelings towards Padmé. He knew very well that it wouldn't do his Padawan any good to bottle up all those feelings. _"Your feelings as a man, not as a Master or a friend."_

Obi-Wan draw some breath – a deep breath. "I.. I thought Anakin was too impulsive, too possessive. And Padmé was such a free and independent soul... I think she would have never had that tragic end if she had been with..." Obi-Wan hessitated. "If she had been with..."

"_You." _Qui-Gon finished for Obi-Wan.


	4. Chapter III

Chapter III

"Master, are you still there?" Obi-Wan asked after several moments of silence.

"_Yes, my Padawan, I'm still here." _Qui-Gon fell silent a few more seconds before adding, _"How long have you been feeling like this? I'd like to know it all."_

"Qui-Gon, I do not think it would be appropiate, I'm a Jedi and I feel ashamed of having broken the Cod – " Kenobi replied before being interrupted by his Master.

"_The Code? What Code?"_

"Master! What do you mean 'what Code'. The Jedi Code!" Added Obi-Wan a little shocked.

"_I know what Code. What I mean, Obi-Wan, is that there's no Code anymore, since there is no Jedi Order anymore."_ Qui-Gon added with a sad tone.

"Oh. Yes, you are right." Obi-Wan lowered his head in contemplation. "Nevertheless, I feel as if I had broken it."

"_You say it because you love her?"_

"Yes, because attachment is – was – forbidden – " The younger Jedi continued.

Qui-Gon cut him off again._ "But you didn't know your feelings by that time, and if you did know, you didn't let yourself get attached. Love doesn't equal attachment, and you should know it by now"._

"I know, but yet..." Obi-Wan closed his eyes and sighed.

"_I know how you feel, remember I've been through the same. And like you, my beloved one died in front of me." _Obi-Wan was sure that if his Master were visible to his eyes, he would most likely be staring at a blind spot in sadness.

Qui-Gon remained silent serveral seconds and Obi-Wan didn't dare to utter a word, for he was sure his Master was silently grieving Tahl. He remember how helpless had he felt at that time, because he hadn't known Qui-Gon and Tahl were in love. And now more than ever, he understood his Master's pain. But Obi-Wan had experienced that pain twice: first with Siri and then with Padmé, and both deaths had been less than a year appart.

"_I'm sure somehow you suspected it." _Qui-Gon broke the silence, almost startling Obi-Wan.

"Yes," Obi-Wan admitted. "I guess it was by the time I saw her again, right before the Clone Wars begun. I used to think it just had been nostalgia. Or when we were about to be executed in Geonosis, I thought it just had been my Jedi compassion. But then, I noticed there was something different in her, in the way she looked, in the way she carried herself. Especially, when Anakin was around..." Obi-Wan sighed, as in pain, "And I _knew _something was going on. I sensed it, though both Padmé and Anakin tried as much to hide it. And I made myself blind to it."

"_Oh, I see. Did that suspicion bother you?" _Qui-Gon asked retorically, for he already knew the answer.

"Yes and no. Yes, because Anakin was breaking the Code and was risking his career as a Jedi. No, because they seemed happy. And if they were happy, I was as well happy."

"_And there, my Padawan, is the proof that you didn't break any rule..." _Qui-Gon replied in that wisely tone Obi-Wan had always found comforting.

Obi-Wan paced around considering his feelings. "I didn't know they had married. And I didn't know she was pregnant untill the very last. Anakin and I had been on mission after mission and I hadn't seen Padmé since the Azure mission – " Obi-Wan passed his hand on his brow before continuing, "that very same mission when Siri died."

"_What did you feel when your assumptions about their marriage were more intense?" _Qui-Gon didn't need answers, for he knew it all. He wanted Obi-Wan to open his heart and become aware of his feelings towards Padmé. He knew very well that it wouldn't do his Padawan any good to bottle up all those feelings. _"Your feelings as a man, not as a Master or a friend."_

Obi-Wan draw some breath – a deep breath. "I.. I thought Anakin was too impulsive, too possessive. And Padmé was such a free and independent soul... I think she would have never had that tragic end if she had been with..." Obi-Wan hessitated. "If she had been with..."

"_You." _Qui-Gon finished for Obi-Wan.


	5. Chapter IV

Chapter IV 

Obi-Wan was sittting at the table, eating a simple meal rather absently, for in his mind he was revisiting his conversation with Qui-Gon. He couldn't help but marvel at the wisdom of Jinn's words. _And there, my Padawan, is the proof that you didn't break any rule... _All in all, it was true, he had spent thirteen years of his life being half-aware of his love for Padmé, but he had remained in his place, following the Jedi Code. He didn't regret having followed it, but he did feel guilty for having been blind, for having let Anakin become too involved, and ultimately, too dangerous.

For as much as he wanted, he could not erase from his memories the image of Padmé dying in Polis Massa, after giving birth to Luke and Leia. Obi-Wan remembered how helpless he had felt, he had so much wanted to save her, not for his own sake, of course, but for the twins'. A sense of restlessness washed over him as he remembered his second visit to that clinic, to make sure all the records about Padmé and the twins had been erased. During that mission, he tangled with an Imperial Inquisitor, Sancor, that had died after falling from a platform. Sancor had been sent there by another Inquisitor: Malorum.

Obi-Wan shifted in his seat uncomfortably, since he didn't know what had happened next. The last thing he knew was that Malorum had files regarding Polis Massa, according to what Ferus had informed the Jedi Master. Ferus Olin had been a promising Padawan, second only to Anakin, but he had left the Order right before his trials. Olin was one of the few to survive Order 66, for he had been no longer a Jedi by that time. If Malorum discovered Padmé's secret, the future of the galaxy would surely be at stake.

As if his thoughts had given him a notice, Obi-Wan's comlink chimmed. There was only one person now who possessed the ability to contact Kenobi: Ferus Olin. Obi-Wan hurried over his night table and picked the comm, allowing the small hologram of Olin to come to life.

"Hello, Ferus. How you been?" Obi-Wan greeted.

"_I see you learnt to greet me," _replied Ferus with a chuckle. _"To tell you the truth, I've been better for sure. I've been in an Imperial Prison once again..."_

"How so?" Kenobi asked curiously.

"_That's going to be a story for another time. So many has happened, but the most important thing is that Malorum was chasing some clues." _

"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked, his voice sounding very worried.

"_I tracked him down to Naboo..." _Ferus explained, a serious look on his face.

_Naboo! _Obi-Wan thought, rather alarmed. _What on blazes was he doing on Naboo?! He must have discovered something about Padmé's secret! _Obi-Wan winced.

"_... but I couldn't get in time." _Ferus stopped shortly, lowering his head. "_He killed Senator Amidala's grandmother. I reached before she died and the last thing she said was 'he knows'". _

Obi-Wan's heart was pounding _really _fast in his chest and he thought. _Oh this is bad, very bad. _But before he could elaborate his thoughts further, Ferus continued his report.

"_But he's no longer a threat. We battled and I killed him in the generator pit where..." _He trailed off, not sure if it was appropiate to remind Obi-Wan of the place Qui-Gon had died.

"I see." Kenobi replied thoughtfully. "Did Malorum share that piece of information with anyone?"

"_No. He had no time." _Olin said before adding. _"Obi-Wan, whatever was that secret, it died with him in that pit. I don't know if you will someday tell me about it, I'll respect your choice of silence. At least, I owe you that."_

"Thank you, Ferus." Obi-Wan's voice was full of gratitude. "May the Force be with you."

"_And with you, Obi-Wan Kenobi," _replied Olin before cutting the transmission.

Obi-Wan sat again, his head resting on his arms. _Thank you, Ferus, _he repeated over and over again in his mind. _You have no idea how much hope you managed to secure. _He lifted his head and stared at the open chest. Anakin's lightsaber was in sight. _You would have been a fine Jedi, Ferus. I wish it had been you who I was supposed to train. _Obi-Wan felt guilty for thinking that, but he couldn't help it. Ferus was, without having finished his training, the great Jedi Anakin should have been.

The Jedi rose and walked over to where the box lay, he bent over and picked the holoimage of Padmé. Staring into it for a long time, a tear rolling off his face. "Your secret is safe, my beloved Padmé," he whispered in relief. "You are now safe, my love."


	6. Chapter V

Chapter V 

"_Help me, Obi-Wan. Help us. Help them. We are in danger. They are in danger." Padmé was inside a cell of transparisteel, pounding at it, crying in fear and grabbing her stomach. "He will hurt me. He knows! He - " The cell became suddenly opaque and a sense of dread covered Obi-Wan as he slowly walked toward it. He ignited his lightsaber and cut a whole throught the cell, only to find a black mask. Darth Vader's mask._

He stirred in his bed, thrashing, and murmuring Padmé's name, but he didn't wake up. Unconciously, he brushed the nightmare off, trying to sleep peacefully. Just trying. He rolled on to his side, sighing in his sleep until his breathing became even once more.

_  
Obi-Wan was walking in a meadow so green and full of bright colors from the flowers that made him feel at peace. He was indeed feeling peace, and he was also feeling different. Almost free of pain. He looked at one side and caught sight of a magnificent waterfall. He instantly recognize the place: Naboo. He looked at the other side and saw a young couple in the middle of a picnic, chatting friendily and laughing. The woman shifted a little and Obi-Wan saw her face clearly – Padmé. The man appeared to be a Padawan._ So that must be Anakin, _he thought. But when the young man turned to look at something in the general direction of Obi-Wan's standing place, Kenobi realized he was looking at his younger self. He gaped at the image playing before his eyes. "How could it be?" he thought aloud._

"_Because it should have been." Replied a soft voice Obi-Wan knew all-too-well._

_His head turned in shock and found Padmé staring at him, a sad expression on her face. "It should have been you, Obi-Wan, not him. You." Padmé stroked his beard. "Once upon a time, it was you the one I loved."_

Obi-Wan woke up gasping for breath, sitting straight up. _What was that? _He thought, trying to understand his dream, slowly remembering the nightmare before it. _What did it mean? _He wondered as he lay his head on the couch, passing a hand over his brow. Was that a sort of message, or it was just his own feelings talking? He took a deep breath and eased himself into sleep once again.

_  
He was in a dark tunnel, a bright orange light was ahead, Obi-Wan tried to move forward and saw his hands were bound to a cart. He recognized the cart that had carried Padmé and Anakin into the Geonosis arena. Sensing her, he looked at his right and found Padmé standing by him. But it was a different Padmé not the one from Geonosis, but an older version of herself, the one she had been before her tragic end. He closed his eyes briefly, trying to find a center of calm. _

"_Padmé, what it is all about?"_

"_It's about us," she replied softly. "This was what should have happened."_

"_What do you mean?" asked Obi-Wam almost in tears. "What about the meadow and what you said there?"_

"_Obi-Wan, I loved you from the first time I saw you, when you and Qui-Gon jumped off that brigde to help us in Naboo. And I secretly loved you since then."_

"_What?" Obi-Wan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Of course, he was in a dream! It was his feelings talking. He knew Padmé had loved Anakin with all her heart._

"_That is also true," she replied as if reading his thoughts. "For over a decade I held a tiny hope you'll confess me your love, for I have seen it in your eyes. But it was a tiny hope, because I knew how you were, how you are, so full of integrity. And that tiny hope died when I met you once again ten years later, since I saw your commitment to the Jedi Order and I knew you'd never break their Code." She lowered her face, hiding her tears. "Yes, I fell in love with him, but not as much as I was with you." She slowly raised her head, facing him. "You are the one I ever wanted and I'm happy you were the last image I saw before I died."_

Obi-Wan's eyes snapped open.


	7. Chapter VI

Chapter VI

"Qui-Gon!!! Gui-Gon!!! Where are you? Please, I need your help..." Obi-Wan paced around his hovel before slumping on a chair, his head in his hands. _What is happening to me? Am I going insane? _He thought worriedly. _Please, Qui-Gon, I need your counsel. Please, help me._

"_Obi-Wan..." _Qui-Gon replied softly after several minutes.

"What's going on? Are those dreams a message, or a reflection of my own desires?"

"_Unfortunately, my Padawan, I cannot reply to that question. It is not my duty to reveal you that answer," _replied Qui-Gon with a heavy sigh. _"It is something you must discover for yourself."_

"So you are telling me I have to meditate in order to get an answer?" asked Obi-Wan rather incredulously. "All I do is meditate."

"_Yes and no, Obi-Wan. Meditation will help you find peace, and through peace and searching in your heart and in the Force, your answer you will find."_

"You are beginning to sound like Yoda," Kenobi shook his head in wonder.

"_Well, that's an honour for sure," _Qui-Gon chuckled. His voice caught a serious tone once more. _"But it's true. You have to search your feelings."_

"But I searched my feelings and I already know what I feel, not what _she _felt."

But Qui-Gon had vanished, leaving Obi-Wan more confused than before. He didn't know what to think, for he was sure Padmé had only loved Anakin. But in reality, it was his own interpretation. He had seldomly had premonitions in the past, so these dreams, he concluded, were nothing more than that: just dreams. A part of him felt relieved at this realization, but another part of him not. He really wanted Padmé had truly loved him.

And yet another part of him could not deny those dreams could had been really be a message from the Force, from Padmé. _So I'm back to the beginning, _he thought. _And most likely, I will never know what she felt for me._

He stared throught the window for hours at the twin suns, at the desert, trying to understand the mystery of this love of his, trying to comprehend if it was right or wrong. Not for the Jedi Code, but because Padmé had been Anakin's – his best friend's, his brother's – wife. _Maybe it will be better to never know, _he mused sadly.


	8. Epilogue

Epilogue 

That night, Obi-Wan meditated for hours and hours until finally falling asleep. He didn't dream that night, and for the first time since this exile begun, he finally found some peace in his sleep, unware of a presence.

All along, since he had been staring through the window, a ghostly image had been contemplating him.

_I know you can't see me, nor hear me, Obi-Wan, but you will eventually hear me in your heart, and you will know for sure that I have always loved you and I always will._

Padmé caressed his forehead and kissed his lips. _Sleep well, my love. I'll continue to guard your dreams, like I have been doing since you arrived on Tatooine._

The End


End file.
